New Year’s Goal Setting Strategies for Neurodivergent Spoonies | PART FOUR

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Welcome to part four of my New Year's goal setting strategies for Neurodivergent Spoonies Series. If you miss the other parts, I'll link the playlist and a card above. (Part One | Part Two | Part Three) We've been talking about how to become the hero of your story in 2023. In part one, we talked about how you are not the villain, that instead ableism is the villain. In part two, we used the hero's journey to

debunk the toxic myth of achieving your potential. And part three can be summed up by the words purpose, schmurpose. Have you noticed the pattern? We've essentially been talking about what not to do. We've been looking at toxic perspectives on self-improvement and goal setting for neurodivergent spoonies, and dismantling them one at a time. Today and in the free workshop next week, we're finally going to talk about what to

do instead. One of the questions that used to plague me when I entered the world of admittedly rather woo woo self-improvement, was describe your ideal day. The idea being that if we knew how we wanted to spend our precious time and energy at the level of a single day, then it would be easier to set goals and move toward making them happen. The trouble was, and if you've

been around a while, you probably know where this is going. Each version of my ideal day that I came up with was one great big pile of ableist doo doo! And for some context, it centered around my dream of being a really successful author, screenwriter, and producer. I wanted to get up early. I wanted to write for four to six hours. I wanted to have a leisurely lunch,

often out with friends. I wanted to have meetings with editors and producers. I wanted to go dancing at night. Do you see the problem? On a good day, I maybe have four to six usable hours total. On a bad day, I've got zero to two. The ideal day that I was dreaming about did not include my disabilities. It is perfectly natural to dream of an able bodied future.

It is perfectly natural to dream of an able bodied future. And in our culture, it is perfectly normal to dream about a neurotypical future, 'cause it's easier to be neurotypical in this world than neurodivergent. But when you're dreaming of a better future for yourself with the purpose of setting goals, it is crucial that they are based in reality. it is crucial that they are based in reality. Is

the ideal day that I just spouted still something a part of me longs for? Of course. But now I understand that the likelihood of that happening, really, really small, and that's okay. My concept of an ideal day for me has shifted to one that includes radical acceptance to one that includes radical acceptance and radical self-compassion. I make choices and goals based on the reality of my capacity and

abilities. And while there is definitely grief there, the amount of work I have done to heal from that the amount of work I have done to heal from that is extensive and profound. But I'm in a much better place now. So making choices about my day-to-day life from that place of radical acceptance and radical self-compassion, my life is better for it. I am much more likely to have

good days. I am much more likely to have good days. And when I say good days, I don't mean pain-free days. I don't mean disability-free days. I mean days where those things have less impact on my mental health, because I'm not constantly judging myself because I'm not constantly judging myself against an able bodied, neurotypical version of myself. This mythical other me that I have put on a pedestal

since always. So where am I going with all of this? The concept that I want to drill home today is the idea that it's a marathon and not a sprint, but really importantly, that means something different for us, neurodivergent spoonies. One of the pitfalls I fell into a lot One of the pitfalls I fell into a lot when I was struggling to get myself out of my groundhog

day, and if you are unfamiliar with that story, I'll link it up here, was this false hope that I would be able was this false hope that I would be able to go from a groundhog day one day and then the very next day, and in theory, every day after that, it would be a complete 180. Instead of spending all day every day on the couch watching TV,

I would spend all day every day on the things that matter to me, and for caring for myself to an almost obsessive level. I wanted the change to be all-encompassing, total, complete. I wanted the change to be all-encompassing, total, complete. I wanted nothing about my day-to-day life I wanted nothing about my day-to-day life to be recognizable. It's almost like... never put this to these words before and I'm

realizing how accurate they are. The version of me that was incredibly burnt out, and depressed, and unable to accommodate themselves in any meaningful way. That version of me that was just suffering all day every day, I wanted that version to die. I will be transparent. I have dealt with the spicy sads since I was 14. I have dealt with the spicy sads since I was 14. They've never

completely gone away. At that time, in my never ending groundhog day, spicy sads were a daily thing. I still experienced them. They have never completely gone away, but they visit me significantly less often than they used to, it's not all day every day anymore. It's on occasion. One of the distinctions that was really helpful for me to look at the spicy sads was it's not that I want

my life to end. was it's not that I want my life to end. I want the suffering to end. And so when I was trying to dig myself out of that groundhog day, that version of myself embodied the suffering. Like, and so, of course, I wanted that version of myself to not exist anymore. But there were kind of two main problems. One, the ideal day that I was

dreaming of just someday flipping a switch, and that being my day for the rest of my life. It was ableist. It was impossible. Like that ideal day I described earlier literally impossible for me. I do not have the spoons for that, nor will I likely ever have the spoons for that. But the other thing, and this is the thing I really wanna talk about today, we're getting back

to the marathon, not a sprint thing. Expecting yourself to do a complete 180 overnight, and not go back, that is impossible for everybody. and not go back, that is impossible for everybody. It is completely unreasonable and cruel to expect ourselves to do that much change that fast. So what does that mean? That means that in the process of changing, That means that in the process of changing, so

instead of it being overnight, it's gonna be gradual. It's gonna be over a long period of time. It's gonna be a marathon, not a sprint. That means that during that marathon, and the earlier in the marathon, you are, this is especially true, a lot of what you want to change will still be present. So the example I'm going to give is me transitioning from groundhog day all day

every day to writing Butt In Chair Time, which again, if you're unfamiliar with that story, it's the video I mentioned earlier. I was only writing for one hour every weekday after breakfast. I basically did that for almost a year. The only thing that was different was one hour of my day, five days a week. That's it. That is what I changed. The other 23 hours of the day,

very, very similar in experience to my groundhog day. very, very similar in experience to my groundhog day. And this is what I mean when I say it's a marathon, not a sprint. We cannot expect ourselves to change every minute of every day right off the bat. So we need to find that balance. What am I going to change? And it's gotta be small and it's gotta be doable.

And something that you are willing to lean into the discomfort of in order to establish consistency. Because it's that consistency when compounded over time, that 5, 10 years down the road, that 5, 10 years down the road, you'll look back and realize, "Oh, the 180 happened," but you were so busy being in the marathon instead of wishing it were a sprint, that you didn't notice the tipping point.

So I wanna introduce a concept today that I call turtle bites. Everybody's familiar with the concept of baby steps. Those are still too big for me and a lot of my students. Baby steps, too big. So we are gonna think about this cute little guy. Baby turtle, chomping down on a strawberry. He's trying its darnedest to get that whole strawberry in his mouth, but it's not happening for

him. So we want to think about what one turtle bite every day. So we want to think about what one turtle bite every day. Just one, just one. And honor the reality that your experience outside of that turtle bite is likely going to be very similar, if not exactly the same as it was before. This is what I mean when I say it's a marathon, not a sprint.

You cannot change everything totally overnight. That means that the things that you do not have, the capacity and ability to change, are gonna stay the same for a while, if not a long while. And it is perfectly natural to experience grief And it is perfectly natural to experience grief for that to feel painful, 'cause, of course, it's painful. It's stuff you wanna change. I'm inviting you to offer

yourself grace I'm inviting you to offer yourself grace that that's just the reality of it. This is an opportunity for radical acceptance and radical self-compassion. So basically true change comes from accumulating little turtle bites, little one degree turns over time. And at some point, you'll forget to keep track of them, and then you'll look back and see how much has changed. Like the last three videos, I'm going

to share the following, because after what you've learned today, I believe it will be even more meaningful. What if in 2023, instead of continuing to see yourself as the villain, instead of fighting to change yourself to do a complete 180, you choose to see the truth that ableism is the villain and you are the hero. What if in 2023 you choose to support yourself unconditionally instead? If you're

ready for your hero story to truly begin, it's time to put down the sword and offer yourself a compassionate hand instead. Can you imagine it, the end of fighting yourself, the end of hating yourself, the end of feeling broken and at fault, the end of seeking what is right. This is how the transformational change you are seeking begins, with a simple yet profound shift, to see yourself as

the hero instead of the villain, to choose to offer yourself radical support instead of infinite, undeserved shame and cruelty. To write your story from the perspective of the hero, not the villain. To radically accept where you are today and go from there. One turtle bite at a time. If you want to dive even deeper into this lesson, here's another journal prompt for you. What would it mean if

I only had to take one turtle bite each day? So we've come to the end of this series here on YouTube, but that doesn't mean we're done. Next week on Monday, January 30th, 2023 at 3:00 PM Pacific, I will be hosting a free workshop on Zoom. If you've enjoyed these videos, you definitely won't want to miss it. During the workshop, you'll learn how to have radical acceptance and

develop radical self-compassion using what I lovingly call "The Six Muse Muscles". To join the workshop or get access to the recording afterward, make sure you're signed up for my mailing list. There's a link in the description box below. And just a heads up that I'm going to be taking a break from YouTube and hope to be back in May or June. During that time, I'm going to be

taking a long needed break, and then working on a huge update to my signature program, The Action Navigator." Again, here's my post about Anytime Pages. If you want to do some journaling, if you liked this video, hit that like button, and be sure to share it with your friends. Hope to see you at the workshop. Bye.