New Year’s Goal Setting Strategies for Neurodivergent Spoonies | PART TWO

Watch the video below, or read on for the full transcript.

Welcome to part two of my New Year's School Setting Strategies for neurodivergent spoony series. If you missed part one, I'll link it here so you can go watch that first. And make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss the next part next week. In last week's video, I talked about how if you want to become the hero of your own story in 2023, the

first step is to acknowledge who the villain is. And the villain, as we discovered, is not you. Instead, the villain is ableism. I left you with a journal prompt, what would it mean if I wasn't the villain? And I also invited you to stop finding yourself this year and instead seek to radically support and care for yourself. Today, for part two, I wanna talk to you about storytelling

because if you've been struggling to see yourself as the hero and not as the villain, I bet you're also struggling with your story. I suspect that instead of having a clear idea of what you want to do, be, and experience in this, your wild and precious life, you're instead weighed down by so many should’s, aka your potential. If you've ever felt or been outright told that you are

not living up to your potential, write potential in the comments. I understand that feeling so, so deeply when you've been taught to believe that you are not living up to your potential, it feels like being haunted by failure your entire life. No matter what you do, no matter what you experience or accomplish, it always pales in comparison to your mythical potential. Let me get one thing clear, being

brought up this way, being constantly judged against some mystical potential and falling short of it is harmful. And if you're disabled in any way, no matter how minor others may view it as, this treatment is also ableist, which is harmful and discriminatory. You didn't deserve this treatment then, you don't deserve this treatment now. You deserve so, so much better. In order to step into our true story, we

must first step away from our potential story. And before that, because I'm about as nerdy as they come, let's have a quick crash course on storytelling itself. Here we have the hero's journey, which was first developed by Joseph Campbell in his book, "The Hero With a Thousand Faces." This image, however, is from Christopher Vogler's work, which took Campbell's framework and put it into a structure Hollywood writers could

use to make better stories. If you're interested in learning more, I highly recommend Vogler's book, "The Writer's Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers." But that being said, I do understand that Joseph Campbell's idea that the hero's journey is the end, be all structure of all storytelling around the world for all time. That's a very white colonialist perspective. And there's an amazing episode of the Wonderful Feminist podcast, which pleas

about this and I'll link that in the description box below if you wanna learn more. The reason why I'm using it today is because I'm really familiar with it, I've been studying it since I was a kid, and because I think it's simple enough to help with the reflection exercise I'm gonna be guiding you through today. So that's why I'm using it. As you can see, the hero's

journey is cyclical. You end where you began. Instead of the point of the story being an external accomplishment, the point of the story is the internal transformation. The hero undergoes through the course of the story. Luke Skywalker transforms from a moisture farmer into a Jedi, Inigo Montoya transforms from a blade for hire seeking vengeance into the next Dread Pirate Roberts. And yeah, Inigo is the hero in "The

Princess Bride." Did you know that? He, unlike Wesley or Buttercup, goes through the entire hero's journey. And then Zena transforms from a blood thirsty warlord into a hero willing to sacrifice herself for the good of many. As this is a crash course on storytelling, let's break this hero's journey into four main parts. Note that I will also be using some terminology from the book, "Save the Cat" by

Blake Snyder, as it can be a little more accessible than the archetypal terms in the hero's journey. So the parts are ordinary world, story world, midpoint, bad guys close in, and storming the castle. Let's break these down a little bit. So part one, The Ordinary World. That is the reality of the hero at the beginning of the story. And it's not just showing the reality of the circumstances

under which they live, but it's also showing the reality of what problems are in their life, and usually in storytelling, what character flaws they have. Because in my opinion, the best stories are character-focused, and the main character changes internally through the course of the story, they don't just save the world, they also have an internal transformation that is really profound and meaningful. But in order for that to

happen, we need to see where they're starting. So that's all it is. The beginning is the reality of what's going on. The next section, The Story World. This is sometimes called Fun and Games, Promise of the Premise. This is where a lot of the moments that are used in movie trailers actually happen in the movie 'cause it's the stuff that helps sell the concept of the story. For

some reason, the only example coming to my foggy brain right now is the Jim Carey movie, "Bruce Almighty." So this part of the story is when he now has the powers of God and is having fun with them and doing anything and everything he can think of with his other worldly power. In the context that we're gonna be using the story world today, it's a little shifted, but

we'll save that for later. Then we have the midpoint. And this is smack dab in the middle of the entire story. And for those who are familiar with three-act structure, this is also smack dab in the middle of act two. Blake Snyder describes the midpoint as the moment of either false victory or false defeat. Another way of saying it is there's like a yes and or a no,

but. So like in "Star Wars IV, A New Hope," yeah, they saved the princess, but now there's a death star that they need to deal with. So it's an escalation in the external stakes. The goal has changed. Then we have part three in the hero's journey, which is the second half of act two, and that is called Bad Guys Close In. And essentially whatever the external goal is

at this point in time, the villain of the story is making it harder and harder and harder to exceed. Everything is becoming more difficult, things are escalating, and the stakes are getting higher. And usually this culminates in what is commonly referred to as the dark night of the soul. The part where the hero has lost everything and it seems like there's no hope whatsoever. And then we move

into part four, and this is where we proverbially or literally storm the castle. Oftentimes, that becomes possible because the character is finally able to see their internal flaw, radically accept it and face it, and then make a different choice, they decide to change. And it is from making that different choice that they are then able to defeat the bad guy and win the day, save the day. It's

that story detail that I feel like is the one that is making toxic potential so toxic and so harmful for us as individuals who deserve kindness and compassion and understanding. That is the crash course in the hero's journey. Now, let's put it to use. You're gonna draft two heroes journeys for yourself today. The first one being that of achieving your potential, so you can see it for what

it is and choose whether or not to stick with it. I'm betting you won't, and the second will be your story. Ready to get started? Let's do this. Grab a piece of paper and divide it into four quadrants. Alternatively, you can download the pdf I've linked in the description box below. And quick reminder, this work can be tough to do on your own. So if you need a

safe and trusted friend, family member, or therapist to help you with it, that's okay. Don't make yourself do this alone if that doesn't feel safe and accessible to you right now. And if you're already inside my coaching program, The Action Navigator, you're more than welcome to ask for my help on workshopping calls. Alright, so I'm here with my iPad. Here is what my potential hero's journey looks like.

We're gonna start at the end with this transformation in the upper left. And basically you wanna write down what that mythical potential of yours looks like. Let's see, what are some things of mine? That is my mythical potential. Oh God, it is so gross. My ordinary world. And then for this one, I'm gonna think about years ago when I was in my darkest place. So for those of

you who have seen my Groundhog Day post, that was my ordinary world. Every day looked exactly the same. I would wake up, be trapped in my disabled body, trapped in my neurodivergent mind, and with severe depression. And I know that mental illness falls under the umbrella of neurodivergence, but a lot of people don't know that, so that's why I'm specifying it. But I would basically spend all day

every day on the couch watching Netflix, just watching TV, and I was absolutely miserable and couldn't get myself to do anything. It was terrible. That was my ordinary world. And so when we go to map out the rest of this cycle in this mythical potential, the goal world is all the like standard things that you expect to happen in order to go from your ordinary world, all the

way to your transformation. So that's things like... It's like makeover montages in movies, right? So job hunting, dating, maybe additional school, the horror that is diet culture. All right. So now this is where what we talked about last week comes in because bad guys close in. And in the mythical potential version of your story, it's very likely you see yourself as the villain. You're not the hero, you're

the villain. Or you're somehow both. But in your mythical potential story, really the bad guy has to be you because these shenanigans is what you've been told should be you. It's totally fine if there are elements of that potential that you want. But if there is shame around you not meeting your potential, it's likely that your potential is just not springing from who you are, who you truly

are. And that's not your fault, that's the fault of the people who projected this potential onto you. But basically, this Bad Guys Close In, is the reality of your ordinary world interfering with all of this Goal World stuff. So Bad Guys Close In is what people call self-sabotage. I'm not the biggest fan, the concept of self-sabotage in the self-help life coaching. Self-improvement realm really bothers me because it

stems from the premise that you are the villain but you are not the villain, that's what we talked about last week. That's why last week was so important. That's why last week was the first part in this series. You are not the villain, you are the hero. Transformation is gonna come from that perspective shift and truly showing up for and supporting yourself unconditionally. But in this mythical potential,

oh, it's so gross. The Bad Guys Close In becomes self-sabotage, which basically makes each one of the things in this girl world unsustainable. And so the idea is in this story, in order for this Groundhog Day hero to meet this potential, would mean defeating yourself because you are the bad guy, you're the one doing the self-sabotage. So in order for you to meet your potential in this scenario,

you have to defeat yourself. That's not good. That is harmful, and it is perpetuating ableism. Both external and internalized in your life. Look at this, and this is what I used to live in. When I was in my Groundhog Day, all I could see was this mythical transformation, this potential I was supposed to reach and achieve. But did I get there? No. Am I there now? No. It

wasn't until I was able to see that for what it is, something that actually makes me nauseous to think about and how all of this down here, all of this act two would basically be incredibly painful and harmful and miserable for me to go through. And because I saw that as the way to get to here... Of course I was stuck in my Groundhog Day. A part of

me knew that wasn't right for me. A part of me knew that that would hurt me and make things worse. From that perspective, my Groundhogs Day was protective. It wasn't self-sabotage, it was protective. And that perspective shift is so important. Now that you have your mythical likely toxic potential written out before you, how are you doing? Let me know in the comments. You probably got that, I hate

mine. Now let's build your hero's journey. So if you've been stuck in your Groundhog Day and all you've been able to see in your distant future is your mythical potential, it's really likely, and if you experience this, very common, to have no idea what you actually want or need in the long term. So this transformation part is just one big question mark. And that is okay, there is

nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with that. This is a very common experience. And then over here, our ordinary world is probably still that Groundhog Day vibe, or whatever now looks like for you. So in order to actually get to a profound transformation in our lives that is meaningful and is in alignment with who we are and what we want, in the beginning, it's not about

changing the transformation, it's about changing this act two. And like we talked about last week, we now know who the real villain is, right? You are not the villain, ableism is the villain and internalized ableism, and basically everything outside of your control. Those are the things that's gonna make it harder to care for yourself. So what we want to do is really focus on this Goal World. The

things that are within our control. Some of you may already be at this point of radical self-acceptance where you're like, yeah this is the way it is, I have to move forward from here where I'm at. I cannot pretend that things are different than they are. But the next step after that is radical self-compassion. So instead of hating yourself, beating yourself up, judging yourself for the reality of

your circumstances, you offer yourself radical self-compassion instead. I speak a lot about what I do as productivity for spoonies, for neurodivergent spoonies. But how I help with that, as you've probably seen from my videos here on YouTube, but really inside my program, how I help with that is really by focusing on the foundations of how to be genuinely compassionate towards yourself. And I'm realizing I'm leaving out the

midpoint here. I'm trying to keep this exercise simple so you're not overthinking it. Essentially, to go from achieving your potential, which is a toxic concept, to actually following your story means letting go of that toxic potential and letting the end be a mystery. And you shift instead to here, and you make the things that are inside your control as compassionate and accepting as possible. And that gets hard

because of ableism and everything outside of your control. We still live in a very ableist world and there is more toxic shame in the world than insects if you ask me. And so it becomes about returning to self-acceptance and self-compassion and radical accommodations and support. Again and again, every time you come up against one of these external obstacles, you do that enough, you keep going and you persist

at self-acceptance and self-compassion and radically accommodating yourself and your needs. Eventually, this question mark will start being replaced with the things that you do want, that you do need. The bigger things, the bigger goals. That's how you escape Groundhog Day. You make this second part of the story different, and you let this part of the story become a question mark. And I realize your hero's journey might look

identical to mine, and that's okay 'cause I described a very loose framework to be applicable to a lot of people. And I would invite you, if it's helpful to you, to just add some specificity to yours. So what does your Groundhog Day look like? You could get really specific about what your ordinary world looks like, the reality of your day-to-day circumstances and capabilities and capacities. The rest of

it, you can basically just copy mine. Big question mark in the transformation, ableism, and toxicity culture are the bad guys closing in and then the story world that I'm inviting you to step into as we do this work this month is radical acceptance, radical self-compassion, and the choices that come from those two things. Because those are the one degree turns that when compounded over time, result in complete

180 in your life, if that's what you're looking for. That's a metaphor that I learned from Martha Beck that I really enjoy. So sharing it with you today. Now that you have your hero's journey written out before you, how are you doing? Let me know in the comments. So here's my question, which journey do you genuinely want for yourself and why? Are you experiencing any resistance and being

honest about the one you want? And if so, why? These questions are doozies. And as usual, if you'd like to dive deep into these questions, I highly recommend trying out my Anytime Pages journaling technique. Last week I shared the following. I'm sharing it again because after what you've learned today, I believe it will be even more meaningful. What if in 2023, instead of continuing to see yourself as

the villain, instead of fighting to change yourself, you choose to see the truth that ableism is the villain and you are the hero? What if in 2023 you choose to support yourself unconditionally instead? Can you imagine it? The end of fighting yourself, the end of hating yourself, the end of feeling broken and at fault. If you're ready for your hero story to truly begin, it's time to put

down the sword and offer yourself a compassionate hand instead. This is how the transformational change you are seeking begins with a simple yet profound shift to see yourself as the hero instead of the villain, to choose to offer yourself radical support instead of infinite, undeserved shame and cruelty, to write your story from the perspective of the hero, not the villain. If you wanna dive even deeper into this

lesson, here's another journal prompt for you. What would it mean if I got to choose my story? Subscribe so you don't miss part three next week. And if you already know you want to attend my free workshop at the end of the month or receive the recording, make sure you're subscribed to my mailing list. Again, here's my

post about Anytime Pages if you wanna do some journaling. If you like this video, hit that like button and be sure to share it with your friends. See you next week for part three. Bye.