STOP Victim Shaming Yourself

If you feel like you're more skilled at beating yourself up than anything else, if anyone has ever told you to stop playing the victim, this video is for you because sometimes you are a victim and it's not your fault. My goal by the end of this video is to not only help you feel better, but know what you can do to start moving forward.

Watch the video below or read on for the full transcript.

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I spent way too many years feeling deeply ashamed of my victim mentality, and I don't want anyone else to have to go through that, so let's get started. So what is victim mentality or victim thinking? Let's take a look at Wikipedia's definition.

"Victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances. Victim mentality depends on clear thought processes and attribution. In some cases, those with a victim mentality have in fact been the victim of wrongdoing by others or have otherwise suffered misfortune through no fault of their own. However, such misfortune does not necessarily imply that one will respond by developing a pervasive and universal victim mentality where one frequently or constantly perceives oneself to be a victim."

Did you spot the problem in that definition? People are so quick to blame and shame. Someone for playing the victim, are so quick to demand that someone take full responsibility, let it go, and move on, that they don't realize this crucial detail: "And to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances." Are there people, such as narcissists, for example, that purposefully engage in victim mentality in order to manipulate others? Yes, unfortunately, but that's not who this video is for. This video is for people who have experienced abuse, rape, violence, systemic oppression, and/or any trauma that was outside of their full control. You are a victim and I see you. You, you have a right to the way you feel. You have a right to reparations. You have a right to justice. You have a right to get support. You have a right to heal.

No matter what anyone says, you do not have victim mentality, victim thinking or are "playing the victim." You are a victim as a fellow victim myself. I see you. You're not alone. And I'm so sorry that happened to you or is still happening to you. You deserve support, not shame. If you're up for it, comment below and tell me about how victim shaming has impacted you, and one simple thing you can do today to take your power back.

Now that we've covered what is and is not victim mentality. For those of you that truly are victims. I want to help you overcome two common limiting beliefs that tend to cause lots of pain and suffering.

One: A victim carries sole responsibility for healing moving on and not burdening others.

If you have ever been victim shamed, you deeply understand how much that shame involves blaming you for not taking a hundred percent responsibility for what happened and what happens now. As if you had the power and control to prevent the trauma from ever happening in the first place, which means you certainly have the power and control to just get over it already and stop being a burden, right? This type of victim shaming comes in many forms. It's people blaming rape victims by saying they were asking for it because of the clothes that they were wearing when they were raped. It's parents blaming their children for having to hit them saying, "You gave me no choice." It is never okay to hit a child, never. And don't even get me started on the systemic oppression and victim shaming that black, indigenous, people of color, fat, and LGBTQ+ people experience. All of that is bullshit. It is not okay to victim shame someone. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not responsible for things outside of your control. You are not responsible for other people's actions and choices.

All you're responsible for is taking care of yourself the best you can right now, and for seeking compassion and support from those who are willing and capable. And if all you're able to do right now is survive. That's okay too. You're not alone.

And limiting belief number two: as a victim, you are powerless.

This belief may seem paradoxical, and it is. It's practically the opposite of the first belief we talked about. But many victims struggle with feeling powerless as a result of the original trauma or traumas themselves as a result of the ongoing consequences of those traumas, and as a result of victim shaming. When everyone is telling you it's a hundred percent your responsibility to get over it and move on, that you in fact had the power to prevent the trauma in the first place, this messaging stands in direct opposition to your felt experience. You likely felt absolutely powerless when the original event happened. So naturally, you likely feel absolutely powerless now. And naturally, you feel powerless to live up to the unrealistic and shaming expectations of those who are victim shaming you. You are correct. You don't have the power to meet those external expectations. They're incorrect, unreasonable, and harmful.

It is not correct, however that you are utterly powerless. You do have some power. The fact that you're watching this video right now means you have the power to seek help and support. I guarantee you, you have more power to heal and move forward than you currently believe you do. It's likely not as much power as victim shamers lead you to believe you should have, but it's definitely more than you think you have. After watching this video, what's one small, simple thing you can do or question you can seek the answer to that will take you one step closer toward healing? Let me know down in the comments.

Now you understand the difference between victim mentality and actually being a victim. And you've busted through two limiting beliefs. But what about feeling stuck? It's normal to feel frozen, stuck, and overwhelmed. If you're a victim. If this feeling is preventing you from doing the things you want and need to do on a daily basis, I highly recommend checking out my free masterclass, where I teach you three mindset shifts and one simple three-step system to help you kick procrastination and resistance to the curb. All you have to do to get access is go this link and sign up.

By the way, I'm doing research to develop the perfect productivity course for people with chronic illness, mental illness, neurodivergence, and trauma, who just feel stuck. If that sounds like you and you enjoy my videos, I would love to talk to you. Click this link to book a time to chat with me on zoom. Thank you for your help.

Check out this blog post next, where I spend a portion of the video talking about relational healing, which is often crucial for trauma survivors. If you liked this video, hit that like button and subscribe and be sure to share it with your friends.

I'll be back next week with another video. See you then. Bye.