What to say when someone tells you “This should be easy” | Effective Communication Examples
"This should be easy." You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn't said that to themselves or to someone else. It's so common and it can be so, so harmful.
By the end of this video, you'll understand why this phrase is ableist and how to stand up for yourself when someone tells you that what you're trying to do should be easy.
Watch the video below, or read on for the full transcript.
If you're a neurodivergent or a spoonie and are looking to master yourself and your time in a compassionate way, this is the place for you to be.
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I've already discussed how to be compassionate with ourselves when we keep having the thought, "this should be easy". Now it's time to learn how to talk to others. Let's get started.
When someone says, "this should be easy" in a derogatory way, they're assuming that there are little to no barriers to accomplishing the task before them. This assumption can come from a number of places, but the primary ones are: one, they themselves have little to no barriers, and two, society has taught them there are little to no barriers for this task.
Ableism is defined as "discrimination or prejudice against individuals with disability". Assuming there are little to no barriers to accomplishing a task is ableist because it assumes everyone has the same level of ability and access. Furthermore, physical, cognitive, and emotional disabilities are not the only barriers that can exist. All forms of prejudice and systemic oppression create barriers.
When someone tells another person that "this should be easy" in a judgemental way, they're flagrantly disregarding the intersectional barriers that may stand before the person they're talking to. Just because you may not be able to literally see any barriers doesn't mean they're not there.
Let's share our experiences in the comments. What is an example of a task or activity that you have barriers to doing and what are those barriers? A really common example is phone anxiety. And if I spot anyone, shaming people for their phone anxiety in the comments or gaslighting them into thinking phone anxiety is no big deal, you will be blocked.
The first step to dealing with someone being ableist and telling you "this should be easy" is to be kind to yourself. Validate your experience and the very real barriers you're facing. The next step is deciding how to respond.
In order to do so, it's important to take into account your needs and your boundaries. What result do you desire from this interaction? How safe are you with this individual or group of people? What are you willing to tolerate from them and what are you willing to share with them?
After that, consider if you want to be more vague or detailed and whether you want to be more gentle or spicy. Because sometimes the situation warrants some spiciness. Am I right? To get you started, Here are some examples. Two of my precious Muses, Sam and Shae were kind enough to submit some examples too.
Let's start with vague and gentle.
"I understand that this would be easy for you, but it isn't for me."
"I wish it was, but it's not for me right now."
"If only it were so easy. Can you help me?"
Now, let's look at vague and spicy.
"Just because this is easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me."
"Not everyone processes or understands things the way you do."
"Well. I'm happy you find this to be easy. Maybe you could stand to help make this easier for me if it's just that easy for you."
Next, we've got detailed and gentle.
"I have a lot of barriers that make this more difficult for me. (list barriers) Would you be so kind as to help me navigate them?"
"Maybe it would be more helpful to move beyond how easy you think this should be and to meet me where I'm at so I can understand fully because the truth is right now I need more clarification and assistance. Can we do that?"
"I understand you are trying to be helpful in this moment. However, I need (blank) in order for this to be as easy for me as it already is for you. Maybe once (blank) is done or taken care of, we can sit down and I can talk to you about my limitations and the accommodations I need to make things like this easier."
And last, but certainly not least, detailed and spicy.
"I will not be addressed in this manner. If you refuse to see that I have barriers to completing this task and continue to judge me for things you don't understand, I will leave."
"What is your goal in saying that? Because your perception of how things should be is based on your capacity in this moment and has nothing to do with my capacity. Feeling judged is not helping me learn, and your lack of empathy is preventing you from helping me to understand."
"What exactly do you mean by that? I'm coming from a place where I exist in a body that doesn't always cooperate with me and I recognize that I need help and your first instinct is to belittle me rather than help me? Because blanketly telling me it should be easy does not miraculously make it so. Now, either help me or find someone who understands the problem or action better, who can help me."
Again, first and foremost, be kind to yourself. When facing dismissive ableism, prioritize your own needs and safety and remember that sometimes the best response is no response.
There you have it. Why the phrase "this should be easy", can be ableist and harmful, and how to respond when someone says it to you. If you enjoyed this video, you might also enjoy my signature course, The Action Navigator. It's packed to the brim with tools and techniques for mastering your time, getting organized, and offering yourself radical compassion as a neurodivergent spoonie. If that sounds like exactly what you've been looking for, use this link to learn more.
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